What if I don’t fit in at the mosque? Advice for Converts | Facts about the Muslims & the Religion of Islam

I remember the first time I ever went to a mosque as a new convert. In my carefully-chosen outfit of loose pants, a long-sleeved blouse, and headscarf, I was certain that I’d fit right in with the women around me. After all, I felt extremely “Muslim” in my new modest wardrobe. In my mind, I wasn’t the same person I’d been just a couple weeks ago, before I made my shahada.

I was just beginning to adjust to the way society saw me differently, now that I covered everything but my face and hands. I wasn’t comfortable, yet, with my new identity, and so I was eager to feel like I belonged amongst Muslims and to be embraced like a sister.

However, despite my efforts to blend in, I felt conspicuous as soon as I stepped foot in the mosque. The women around me were all dressed with long black abayas and black scarves. As they waited for the lecture to begin, they sat in a circle and spoke in Arabic. I couldn’t understand a word they said. Eventually one of them noticed me, said something to the group, and suddenly all heads swiveled in my direction. It made me feel extremely self-conscious. I was too shy to approach them and introduce myself. I felt like an outsider and wondered whether I would ever be “Muslim enough” to fit in.

Looking back, I realize my own insecurity tainted that experience. Those women hadn’t seen me before and probably weren’t being hostile or judgmental, just curious about a newcomer. Perhaps if I had smiled, gone over to introduce myself, or sat closer to them, I might have received a warm welcome. I’ll never know because I was too timid to try.

A few months after that experience, my husband and I moved to a different state. There, we found a very large and diverse Muslim community with people from all over the world, and even several other American converts. Being in a “melting pot” felt a lot more comfortable to me, and I soon made lifelong friends with women from a wide array of ethnicities and backgrounds. Many of them spoke English as a second (or third) language. They had grown up with customs, cuisine, habits, and mindsets that were sometimes different from my own, but here’s what I discovered: our differences did not have to divide us.  In fact, we learned a great deal from each other and grew to love one another. I, personally, got much-needed perspectives from people outside of my insular American bubble.

Over the years, several fellow converts have told me stories of their first visits to a mosque. Some say they were welcomed warmly from the very beginning, but many others told me how they felt excluded and uncomfortable. A few women confided that they felt like their local mosque was dominated by a certain ethnic population, and the atmosphere felt cliquey and unwelcoming to newcomers. Others didn’t feel included because they couldn’t speak the same language as most of the congregants. Tragically, many black converts told me that they faced blatant discrimination and unkindness from some fellow Muslims because of their skin color, despite the fact that Islam unequivocally condemns racism.

If you are a new Muslim who feels out of place in the mosque, I encourage you to consider a few things:

1. Could your feeling of unease be due to your own discomfort in the new, unfamiliar environment? Might you (like I once did) be assuming that people at the mosque are being judgmental, when really they are just curious? Could you be mistaking their casual comfort in each other’s company with cliquishness?

If this is the case, then I encourage you to gather the courage to take the first step. Introduce yourself to them, even if you’ve heard them speaking a different language. Most likely they will speak at least some English, too (or even fluent English! Never make assumptions!). Let them know you’re a new convert and you’d like to make some friends at the mosque. The vast majority of Muslims will go to great efforts to welcome a new convert warmly, especially once they know that person wants their hospitality and attention.

2. If you have made efforts to get to know people at the mosque, but no one seems friendly, then you have a few options. You could try to attend a different mosque nearby. Perhaps the congregation there would be more diverse, welcoming, and warm. Or, you can ask if there are any classes for converts at your local mosque. That is an excellent way to learn about Islam and to meet some other new Muslims who are probably eager for friends, too. Additionally, there are online communities and classes for converts as well as in-person and virtual mentors. You can call 877-WhyIslam and they will put you in touch with a mentor in your area, or connect you with one online.

3. Know that racist behavior has no place in Islam and no place in the masjid. If you do experience discrimination because of your skin color, please know that it is due to the bigoted individuals’ ignorance and failure to implement their faith. In other words, blame the imperfect humans, not Islam itself. However, your comfort and dignity matter and should be respected, so if a particular mosque community seems unwelcoming to you, definitely find a different one.

4. Don’t feel like you need to change who you are. Yes, Islam requires us to make some lifestyle changes in order to obey our Creator, but it does not ask us to erase our personality or uniqueness. Although it might seem like all the Muslims at your local mosque are from a certain background, and it might feel necessary to imitate them to fit in, remember that no culture has a monopoly on Islam. Islam is for all people and all times. Modest dress, for instance, comes in many forms. It can be a salwar kameez, an abaya, or a long skirt with a tunic that you find at your local department store. You do not have to dress in another culture’s clothing, look like them, or talk like them; you just need to follow Islamic guidelines.

Also remember: those who grew up in a Muslim-majority country are not inherently better than converts. For every single Muslim, actions and intentions–not upbringing or place of birth– determine our status with Allah. We converts do not have to imitate “born Muslims.” As long as we do our best to stay within Allah’s boundaries, we can still be individuals with our own style, preferences, culture, and personality.

Want to learn more about Islam? Order a free Quran today or call 877-WhyIslam. You deserve to know!